I speak for all the runners
My feet are tired.
I don’t know yet if it’s some psychological problem or just an internal personal issue; my inability to stay committed for long. It all started when I realized I was a Jack of all trades, everybody said I could do anything, be anything, and I believed them. But nobody stayed to help me through it. I wanted to counsel but then in my country, it’s stupid. And I wanted to write but Papa said to be a doctor. I thought I was a feminist but in my generation feminism is overrated and somehow I’m stuck with the notion that I can’t have a happily ever after so I end up destroying whatever makes me happy.
It’s not like it’s all my fault though. I hardly ever fit in. I talk too much to be an introvert but I’m not social enough to be called an extrovert. I know too much to be below averagely intelligent but I do too little to be smart. I enjoy bdsm so I’m a slut but I don’t go around so I’m a church girl. I binge on coke and ice cream then go weeks eating vegetables and proteins. I like red, then I like pink, then I like yellow and other times, they are all just the same to me. To make up or not to make up, to wear heels or stick to sneaks, to listen to a love song or listen to Taylor Swift. I just don’t stay, I never belong to just one place.
I never stay. Starting something new is exciting but it barely lasts, my motivation barely lasts. It’s always easy and fun at the beginning, writing a book, starting a song, registering a course but it ends like every other day I decide to finally go out, I dress up all nice but end up going to bed instead. After a while, I realize I’ve sucked out all the flavor and I’m no longer getting any nourishment from it and all I want to do is run away.
I often look around and it seems everyone has a plan except me. Everyone knows their purpose, has got something going for them. But me I don’t belong anywhere.
I’m like a floating sea foam, lost in the ocean. My only reality is inside my head. I keep wishing things are different, that I don’t keep ruining my own happiness, but I don’t belong anywhere. I am a lone traveller with no destination, wandering into the abyss until out of sight. I can’t be tamed, I can’t be saved. I really want to be rescued but I’m not giving anyone the chance to either, I don’t ever make things easy and I still don’t understand why. Why I am the architect of my own problems. Sometimes someone gets so close and it seems I’m finally being pulled out of my misery and just when I’m getting to a point of stability, I bolt off. Again. As always.
Now my feet are tired, I’ve been running all my life.
I just want to belong somewhere real other than just inside my head.