The first time I saw my hostel with its balcony overlooking into the campus and the spacious compound for playing football, the parking spaces, five 2000ltrs geepee tanks, impressive security system and well maintained rooms, I knew I’d move in and was convinced I would never have any reason to leave till I was through with my 5 years in school.
Unfortunately, what I didn’t forsee, was the fellow human beings that would move into the hostel too. The hostel I live in is quite large, divided into four blocks A, B, C and D. There are a total of 56 rooms. I consider myself a good tenant. I don’t litter, I contributed a really long rope for the clothes line, I pay my utility bills and I don’t bring in crazy people. Unfortunately, me being responsible doesn’t mean my neighbors will be too.
Today I’ll like to introduce everyone who reads this post to the 8 top bad neighbors that make my life terrible in the hostel.
- The G-boys opposite: the minimum they ever are in their room is always 6, they carry themselves like they are so rich, but they are not because if they are, they wouldn’t all be cramping theirselves inside one room. They are the most annoying set of guys. They litter the corridor with empty alcohol bottles and the nauseous fumes from when they’re smoking always finds it way into my room. The girls (which they of course have in abundance) that go in to see them like being loud and ‘borrowing‘ my slippers without due consent. When they got their a.c installed, they put the regulator in the corridor instead of the other side of the building, so all the heat from whenever it is on came directly into my room and the water kept flooding the corridor. The only reason I talk to them is because one of them has a crush on me, which is a good thing because I need their room for charging my phone and keeping my coke cold.
- The Very Passionate Chorister : there’s this boy who lives with his girlfriend down the corridor in my block. All I hear all day from their room is “honey this, honey that“, but what really makes my blood boil is when they hold their choir rehearsals inside the room. They both are really good singers, but still, they sing all the time and it’s annoooooying. Sometimes the girlfriend bursts into tongues when she’s in the spirit and I feel like the ground should just open up and swallow me. And as if all that punishment is not enough, they always invite their fellow singer friends, one even comes with a guitar and a piano.
- The one who plays loud music: once upon a time, he was a very quiet boy from Agbor. He used both his school fees and house rent to buy a US used iPhone 6,turns out he was tricked and it was actually the China product, my guy stayed in his room three days and didn’t come out. After that, he got one tattoo, then several more followed, he dyed his hair to what I consider ‘the color of poopoo‘, and his sagging got a PhD degree. But all of that ain’t my business, what troubles me is that he has this massive home theater system for playing really loud music all day. So I basically cannot read or sleep in my room because there’s always so much noise. I do like him though, he’s one of the simplest people I’ve ever come across. He’s never proud and he’s a care giver.
- The Two Cake Bakers: these ladies are rivals in the cake baking industry. Both are exceptionally good. But the gist is that one taught the other only for the other one to start her own baking business right in the hostel, strategically putting hers at a lower price and thereby stealing all the customers of the one who taught her. They both pretend to be supportive of the other and are nice to each other’s faces. I’m just waiting for the day kasala will burst. Anyways, my complain about them is that they never give me cake but want me to mix for them, or ice or something. Like seriously, who does that???
- The girl who never has matches. Or oil or gas. But has forever subscription on her phone and is always coming home with shopping bags of new clothes. Madam, don’t you think I want new clothes too, if you must borrow my stuff almost every day, you should at least bring me one new clothing item as well. Chikena. Matches is just 10 naira.
- The Igbo Sisters: these ones I don’t even talk to. Whenever they see someone coming, they switch from English to Igbo. They do it all the time. They could be with you and you all will be conversing and then all of a sudden one will say something in Igbo and both will start laughing kaikaikaikaikai. What are they saying!? Well unluckily for them, I grew up with my Papa’s Mama who is Igbo so I know quite a bit of it. The day they did the Igbo thing to me, I first of all let them finish talking their rubbish, then I lashed back at them with all the bitterness I’ve been suppressing. It was one of the most fulfilling moments of my life. The younger one no longer talks to me but who cares? I consider them dangerous, they could be planning your death right in your presence, speaking that their Igbo.
- The deeper life Girl: she stays alone but always has her fellow deeper life friends (both male and female) over. And all they do is gossip. They don’t sleep o, they are talking when I go to bed at night and they are still talking when I wake up in the morning. The annoying thing is not that they talk all day (and night), but what they talk about. It’s always gossip about other people’s lives, this is dating now and her boyfriend must be a ritualist, this is getting married but it’s only because she got pregnant, this opened a shop and is considering dropping out of school, who likes who, who doesn’t like who, who srcretlsecretly went to the pastor for deliverance and who’s going to hell. I find it really disturbing on a serious note.
- The upcoming comedian that isn’t even funny: ours is a really beautiful and sweet story. The first day we ever talked was in the hostel party for newly matriculating students, we haven’t talked up to two minutes when he tried to grab my ass and right there in the middle of everybody I gave him a very dirty slap. Then I told him that if that was his idea of comedy, it’s not at all funny. FYI, his jokes are always really dry, they are best fit for warding off evil spirits or putting insomnia patients to sleep. What a lovely story isn’t it? After that day, he looks at me like I’m the reason for the present recession in Nigeria.
Other of my terribly bad neighbors include the one who always leaves his tap on so his room gets flooded at least once every week, the one whose girlfriend comes over and they always end up fighting and disrupting my peace and quietness, the one who always has his nose to my window to know when my food is done and I’m about to eat, the one who always bangs on my door when he’s high in the middle of the night, and last but not least, the gigolo guy.
So these are the people I have to live with. What about you, have you ever had neighbors as bad as these?