I don’t want to die… and if you’re reading this, it means you don’t want to either…
Better sit tight, this is some gist you don’t want to pass…
I went to see Babe because he’s been giving me a cold shoulder, it’s one of those things that can’t be remedied over the phone. I got into the afternoon bus immediately after my lectures and makeup practice, the journey’s an hour on the road. When I got into town, I branched our favorite restaurant and got him is favorite bread. Then I took a Keke to his place but he wasn’t home yet, so I called him, as usual the reply was cold, he even asked me what I was doing at his place. When he came, I remained outside and he joined me on the terrace. He wouldn’t talk, he just wanted me gone. I gave him the peace offering (the bread) but he asked me to leave with it – all of this when I hadn’t done a single thing wrong.
I wasn’t angry then, I just felt resigned, I had done my part. I was going to dump the bread on the garbage can on my way out of the compound, I’ll probably buy a can of coke to console myself on the bus ride back to school, I was already at the foot of the stairs when he called me back. There was no need for preserving pride or ego, I went back to him and he led me inside the house, we made up like that.
I watched a movie while he slept off. That was when I got the idea to go through his phone. It’s the second time in my life I’ve done so. (to get the details of the first time, you can read this post). What I found on his phone shattered me, it broke me, it tore me up, ground me to powder, killed me. I’d never cheated on him, not even once, not even when I had every justification to, but he, he went as far as denying the whole relationship, there were nudes and sexts and conversations that proved he was outrightly cheating and doing so without the slightest move of conscience or guilt. Right there and then, I made up my mind about being single.
I was rereading the whole thing when he woke up and caught me red handed, the next couple of hours was more emotional for both of us. I forgave him, fully, but when I left, I knew I’d never feel the same way anymore. Maybe I should have read the signs when I had paid him a surprise visit once and he didn’t let me into the house, he literally shooed me away, it was sooo obvious he had a female guest, I accepted both his apology and excuse later on, I just accepted it and didn’t question it because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the truth then.
But this time, there was no ignoring or denying the truth when it had hit me right between the eyes. I was empty right from that moment, the most I could do was acknowledge he was still my friend, and even though I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, I cried every night since then, I’m still crying now.
The nights feel even more colder, my stabbing chest pains are more frequent and I have full blown insomnia. But during the day, we call and text each other and I never let on that I’m dying. I don’t want him to save me, no honey, not this time. He’ll read this post and find out and I’ll tell him it’s just a post, I don’t mean any of the things I wrote.
Babe and I, we have only one destiny – to live with each other and one person kills the other, or to live apart and we both destroy the world. Our love is a tornado, our love is a storm, our love is a fiery wind and a blazing furnace. No matter how much I stay away from him, there’s no denying the love and sooner or later I’ll find my way back into his arms, I guess that’s what they mean when they say “for better for worse, till death do us part”. No matter what happens, I can’t love him less and so can’t he, but for now, I’m content to being alone.
If you don’t want to die, don’t fall in love. But I’d like to see you give it a try…